"I believe everything in our life, every person in our life, every relationship - EVERYTHING is there for a reason... [When you pay attention] there are little clues. It becomes so crystal clear what the next step is, its just this puzzle... Everything is in its right place... Dots always connect, and we become what we're suppose to be."
-King B
Last night I finally watched Life is but a Dream, and completely beside the fact that Beyonce is Beyonce, I was completely in awe at how she explores her life, herself, her feelings - every feeling, views life, love, God, romance, her career, parenting, and her family. Though it may seem like she's light years away from earth; she's-so-soulful.
I have only ever met a very few handful of people that are into life, free spirited the way that she is. DEEP, like ocean deep, she lives her life in volumes of layers like an onion. What she does with her macbookpro photo booth, is what I have done with mine for years. I have so many videossssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, recorded for no other purpose but solely my own. I'll sit and talk about life, the event of the day, or the assortment of feelings that I feel, my thoughts, my fears anything, everything. I just be having to get it ALL out. It started as my way to vent, and just let go and actually lose control for once.
Everyone doesn't like to "go" there and let go with their feelings, they like to hide their #beautifulUglys but I decided years ago when my father was first diagnosed with ALS, #UglyTruths were the only way that I could possibly stay sane. I just had to just get shit out of me (irony). I knew my feelings were too deep for twitter and way too much for my friends, but I had to release, let go & move on. I stopped pretending that I had it all together, if and when I was scared I allowed myself to be scared and vulnerable and all of those other things in the privacy of my photo booth. Just me, my Macpro, & I have had the deepest convo's in the most randomness of places.
I don't like to just open up and talk about how I feel to others. Society isn't deep, it is shallow, and trust me it will do anything for "likes" on IG.
"So, I would write it if they could get it... [but] being intricate'll get me wood, [from the] critics"
Furthermore, I never want to burden anyone with MY problem(s), with my deep self, feeling like debbie the downer at times... lol. Besides, I am always usually the caretaker, people come to me to unload their shit #Toilet. So, I keep my poker face on for the world. However, I go through the motions with my Macpro, I share a glimpse of me, a couple of deep layers on this blog, which is already courageous in itself. Moreover, with hope that maybe my mellow dramas and dear dairies might just reach some little child somewhere. I really write for me. It's my way to get complete thoughts out of my brain and re-read it back to myself quietly, editing, sobbing, laughing, doing whatever it is I need to do to get it off & out of my brain. #MyBeautifulUglies .... Heck yeah, I am sensitive about this sh*t... It's me all the way vulnerable exposed... I don't even care about the fragments, run-on's & typos.
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This journey that Beyonce spoke of was confirmation to me — the little clue — a piece in my life's puzzle that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, feeling the exact way I am supposed to be feeling, in order to get where I need to end up. I literally was just blogging about this the other day.... I'll keep my photo booth recording, because Life is but a Dream.
